Soon to come: an accounting of our experience racing the MINI at Nelson’s Ledges. Just waiting for the pictures to show up on my FTP site.

Also waiting in the wings: the story of Joe & Diana’s upcoming trip to see us.

get to the point, already

In the meantime, I’ll tell a bit of the story surrounding my efforts to buy a building in Beautiful Historical Downtownical Willoughby™.

A friend and I decided some time back that we’d like to own a building here in the downtown area. We’d be paying rent to ourselves, build some equity, invest in a property that we can also house our offices in, that kind of thing. When we discovered the building directly across from our current office was available, we engaged in the ritual know far and wide as The Bidding War, or Waving our Financial Dicks in the Air. After a bit of wrangling with the Realtor Of Questionable Morals* representing the seller, we came to an agreement on a price.

Luckily, we made our purchase agreement dependent on our acceptance of the results of an inspection.

The inspection turned up many things you’d expect in a 106-year old brick building. It’s built on a foundation I like to imagine was known as “whatever stones we can find in the immediate area that look like they could hold up a building.” The basement smells like mildew and wet sand. We figured we can live with that, there’s no reason to go down there anyway. There’s some obvious water damage in the back of the downstairs suite, which we’ve attributed to water rolling right off the roof, missing the ancient gutter, and cascading down the back wall. That water probably also explains the presence of all that ivy growing back there. Whatever, we could live with that. Some scraping and painting after the gutter is fixed, and we’re in good shape.

What we didn’t count on was the 50+-year old (by our estimation) roof. It’s well beyond its service life. It bubbles up at every joist because of the water trapped between layers of roofing material, which expands and contracts with every change of temperature. Where the roofing material curves up to meet the parapets, it’s pulled away in many places, allowing even more water to enter.

No matter, though. We don’t have to buy the building; since the inspection turned up a huge red flag and the roof is a howling mess, the negligent building owners are going to have to cough up some money to get it replaced. At least, that’s the way we hoped it would go. Since it’s not in our philosophy to let a building stand and rot, the whole negligence thing puzzles us. Why would anyone invest in something so expensive only to ignore it…and then expect to get “fair market value” for it?

We obtained quotes for the replacement of the roof. Not the decking — which is metal and appears to be relatively solid — but a tear-off of the built-up layers, a layer of insulation (there is none now, which was fine in 1900 when dinosaurs still walked the Earth and offered themselves up as fuel), and a new high-tech covering.

The Realtor of Questionable Morals also had a couple of roofers give him an estimate. He talked to one reputable contractor and another company I’ll simply call The Ambulance Chasers Who Throw Plywood Over The Windows Of Every House That Catches Fire In The West End Of This County. Suffice to say I wouldn’t hire these guys to replace my mailbox.

Anyway, the Ambulance Chasers came back with three options: do a “repair” on the leaky parts, do a re-roof, or do a tear-off and put down a new roof. The idea of a “repair” is absolutely ludicrous. We’d end up with more patch than anything else. A re-roof is not an option. Why the hell would you even consider putting another layer of roofing material on top of a horribly bubbled roof? There’d be no opportunity to inspect the deck for damage, and the added weight on a possibly weakened roof could be a recipe for disaster. Besides, it appears there’s already three layers on top of the deck.

Realtor of Questionable Morals assured me that he would not bring up the idea of a “repair” because he knew that his client would jump at the idea of splitting the cost with us. I assured him it would be a complete waste of time, as my friend and I have absolutely no interest in the roofing equivalent putting a band-aid on gaping gut wound. Give us 60% of the replacement cost or call the deal dead.

My partner in this ordeal talked to Realtor of Questionable Morals earlier today. I’d offer you three guesses as to what’s going on now, but you won’t need them. The sellers would like to split with us the cost of the “repairs.” Apparently RQM doesn’t realize that “I won’t even bring up the idea of a repair” means I WON’T FUCKING OFFER REPAIR AS AN OPTION BECAUSE THERE’S NO DOUBT THEY’LL JUMP AT THE IDEA. RQM offered to put some of his commission into escrow towards the roof project in order to sweeten the deal, but he’s not sweetening it nearly enough. Odd for a guy who stands to make $24,000 for a couple of hours worth of work.

Stay tuned, I think this is all coming to a head tomorrow.

* I realize the idea of a Realtor having Questionable Morals is pretty much a given, but humor me. It’s fun to type. And in case you’re still wondering why they have their portraits on their business cards, it’s because they can’t see themselves in mirrors.

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