Write something, Joe, I command thee!

Blah, blah, asshole client, blah blah, incompetent tech support.

Okay, that’s done.

Instead, for your viewing pleasure, I descend into the comfort of witty (or perhaps witless) limericks.

There once was a man from Calais
Who stood around painting all dais
’til a nearby damn broke
And caused quite a soak
And swept that poor painter awais.

There once was a bus full of poets
They were artists and they liked to show it.
They never did bathe,
Brush their teeth or shave,
And just by the smell you would know it.

There once was a farmer who took,
to bangin his mule by the brook.
He said “bless my hide,
i would make her my bride
if only she knew how to cook”

On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
Was tattoed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was printed the same, but in Braille.

There was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a coont out of clay.
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And chaffed all his foreskin away!

There was a man from Racine
Who invented a shagging machine
Concave or convex
It could do any sex
And service itself in-between.

A loser named Tom in Miami
Had an S & M girlfriend named Sammy
Who got carried away
with Tom’s organs one day
And now he’s not Tommy, he’s Tammy.

There once was a lady quite tearful
Of giving him head she was fearful
In a moment of dread
She just turned her head
And boy, did she get an earful!

There once was a woman named Alice
who used dynamite for a ballast
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and her anus is famous in Dallas.

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was farking his wife on the stairs
The bannister broke
So he quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air!

There was an old fellow from Lime
Who married 3 wives at one time
When asked why the third,
He replied “One’s absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime”

There once was a lesbian from Cancun
Who took a young gent to her room
There they argued all night
Yes they has such a fight
’bout who could do what and to where and to whom.

They once was a lad from Japan/
Whose limericks had nary a fan/
When he was asked why/
He replied with a sigh/
Because I always try and squeeze as many words into the last line as I possibly can!

The limerick peculiar to English
Is a very quite hard to extinguish
Once congress in session
Declared its repression
But-they-got-around-that-by-writing-the-last-line-without-any-ryhme-or-meter

There once was a girl from Knizes
Whose breasts were of two different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all
But the other was large, and won prizes!

There once was a young man from Kent
Whose d!ck was so long that it bent.
To save his wife trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went!

A cold young lady from Darjeeling
Claimed to lack all sexual feeling.
‘Till a young stud named Boris
Licked her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling!

There once was an old man named Dave
Who kept a dead ‘ho in his cave.
Though she had but one tit,
And her coont smelled like shiat,
Think of the money Dave saved!

Nymphomaniacal Jill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil!

There was a young man in my class
Whose balls were made of spun glass.
He’d rub ‘em together
In stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out his ass!

And for the science geeks:

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexehedronical ball.
The cube of its weight,
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his number — give him a call!

A fencing instructor named Fisk
Fought a duel that was frightfully brisk;
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald Contraction
Foreshortened his foil to a disk.

There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night!

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
Was Para-dichloro-
Diphenyltrichloroethane.

The once was a plumber from Cree
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
She said, “Stop your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”

And finally, a limerick AND a tongue twister:

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?

….aaaaaand, here’s Patti’s list. Another one lost in the email!

FOUR JOBS I’VE HAD

In no particular order

1. Arby’s- made the sandwiches, cash register, drive thru window, all that fun stuff.
2. Bob Evan’s, my first job.  I was the hostess.  I remember standing outside on Father’s Day in like 90 degree weather with my long sleeve blouse and dark pants on sweating to death while taking peoples names.  Apparently EVERYONE in WIlloughby and surrounding areas go there for Father’s Day breakfast, Brunch and Lunch.
3. Glavic Nissan Isuzu - Answered phones “thank you for calling Glavic Nissan Isuzu this is Patricia, how may i direct your call?”  Try paging a guy named Rob Shimelfennig on your first day there.  “Ron Shimlkljejalejoid” line one “Ron Schimmmleleljfdiajieoa” line one  BLAH!
4. Eastlake Library - nice, clean, no grease, easy words to say.  Good Job.

FOUR MOVIES I CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER

1. I do love Tommy Boy too
2. My Best Friends Wedding (don’t ask, i just like it)
3. I apparently can watch any children’s movie a bajillion times
4. I’ll go with  Pirates too.  That’s a good one.

FOUR PLACES I’VE LIVED

1. Rickey Lane
2. Pine Hall, Wright State
3. Dorothy Drive
4. Brighton Path

FOUR TV SHOWS I WATCH REGULARLY

1. LOST
2. Prison Break
3. OC (do not laugh)
4. Desperate Housewives

FOUR PLACES I’VE VACATIONED

1. Sanibel Island
2. Disney World
3. Hilton Head
4. Jamaica

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE DISHES

1. Mom’s Spaghetti
2. Turkey Divan
3. Pizza
4. Bruno’s moms zucchini lasagna (made only once a year because it is so time consuming)

SITES I VISIT DAILY

1. CKW
2. Dad Gone Made
3. Ebay (selling stuff)
4. not much else

FOUR ALBUMS I TRULY ENJOY

Album?  What’s an album?  LOL! I don’t buy albums any more, i buy songs off of ITUNES. I like BNL and various other artists.

FOUR PLACES I’D RATHER BE

1. Disney World with B and the kids
2. Hawaii sounds nice
3. Europe would be good
4. Hilton Head is nice too!

Dateline: February 20, 2006. My sister Marianne sits down to write her List of Four and sends it off to my twodinks.com email. What she doesn’t realize is that I never bothered to set it up. So here is her post, a mere one hundred and ninety nine days later.

FOUR JOBS I’VE HAD

1. Wendy’s - You know, pretty much everything except grill and emptying those heavy fryers. Including freezing my keister off while working at the drive through window.
2. The Agency- Yeah, a completely lame and non-descript name of a now defunct home health care company.  I scheduled home health aides, nurses, PTs and OTs to go on home health care visits. Lesson learned: do everything in your power to take care of your loved ones on your own.
3. Lerner’s of New York – I liked this job because of the discount on clothing. I did not like this job because at Christmas it was CRAZY. I actually witnessed a customer attack (choke) another customer over a line dispute.
4. IKRON – I don’t even remember what it stands for. It was my first job out of graduate school. I was in charge of a small group of psychiatric patients in a “partial hospitalization program” I was “laid off” the day a new boss started. He cut the program I was running and actually said to me “unfortunately my first day is your last”.

FOUR MOVIES I CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER

1. Tommy Boy, CRACKS ME UP
2. Pirates of the Caribbean, great score and Johnny Depp is very entertaining in it
3. Apparently I can watch Cinderella, Incredibles, and Lion King etc etc over and over again.
4. Ummmm, can’t really think of anything else.

FOUR PLACES I’VE LIVED

1. Anne Frank House.  I mean Kirtley Ave in Cincinnati. We lived on the 2nd floor of a small Tudor house.  The apartment used every available square inch. This included a small room down a long, slant ceiling, hallway. The room didn’t have heat or AC and was affectionately dubbed the Anne Frank room.
2. Xavier Village apartments. Lived there my Junior year at XU with three other girls.  Two were good friends and the other was someone one we found.  The third was a mistake.
3. Deer Track Road- Our first house seemed big after the Anne Frank Apartment. Then after having three kids it got real tiny.

FOUR TV SHOWS I WATCH REGULARLY

1. LOST
2. 24
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Grey’s Anatomy

FOUR PLACES I’VE VACATIONED

1. Hawaii, Maui and Kauai
2. Arizona, Sedona, Grand Canyon
3. Jackson Hole, WY
4. Hilton Head, SC

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE DISHES (narrow it down?)

1. Roast Beef
2. Tetrazinni
3. Spaghetti
4. Chicken Continental

SITES I VISIT DAILY

1. CKW
2. They call me daddy
3. 2 dinks (just hoping)
4. Dad Gone Mad, fairly often

FOUR ALBUMS I TRULY ENJOY

1. Norah Jones, whatever it is called
2. Moving Pictures, Rush
3. BNL, ummm I’ll go with Maroon
4. Clapton, unplugged

FOUR PLACES I’D RATHER BE

1. Hilton Head, on the beach with Jim and the kids
2. Sedona, with Jim
3. Anywhere warm and with no responsibilities
4. And, right here.