Jun 11 2007
At the Scanner, Darkly
I’m about to get snarky and mean, so don’t read this if you don’t want to hear it. This is a note to everyone who uses the self-scan registers at grocery stores:
Hey, halfwit: if you routinely have a hard time remembering which side of the toothbrush to use, perhaps you shouldn’t be scanning your own groceries. If you lack the intelligence to use your TV remote, stop fucking using the scanner at Giant Eagle.
There’s the moron who pulls every item out of her cart, looks at it for ten seconds as if wondering how it got in the cart, then s-l-o-w-l-y rotates the item back and forth and over and over 8 or 9 inches away from the glass, wondering why it won’t read.
There’s the woman who, instead of punching in the code on the sticker that’s stuck to the produce or, failing that, using the handy on-screen buttons WITH PICTURES OF THE DAMN FRUIT to tell the scale what to expect next…turns 180° to LOOK BEHIND HER AT A PIECE OF PAPER WITH 300 LINES OF 3 POINT TYPE to find the code to punch in. Because THAT’S the most efficient way of getting this done, Mabel! By squinting through your trifocals at tiny type! The only thing that should have been punched by the time she got to her fifth produce item was HER VACUOUS EMPTY HEAD.
Also, there is the dynamic mother-daughter team we watched yesterday. First, the daughter, all 300 lbs. of fun, starts checking out her groceries. Looking at her overstuffed cart full of frozen meals and moon pies, I decided that with any luck I’ll hear her aorta explode some time before the end of June. BUT NOT BEFORE I GET TO WATCH HER SCAN SLOWER THAN THE TWO BOZOS I’VE DESCRIBED ABOVE. Now to add to this she also had the annoying habit of scanning four items, waddling to the far end of the conveyor belt to stack them neatly (WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? PUT THEM IN A DAMN BAG WHILE YOU’RE DOWN THERE!), then waddling back up to the scanner to start the process over again. During all this, her mother stood there and watched, guarding her own meager purchases instead of doing something useful like, I dunno….PACKING HER DAUGHTER’S SHIT.
Now, some of you may suggest that we should go ahead and move to another line. Ah, dear reader, we would if we could. If it’d make any difference. But this was Sunday around noon, when everyone decides that this is the only possible time all week that they could take advantage of the GREAT SAVINGS offered by the flyer in their Sunday paper. Of the 14 checkout counters, 12 were open. One cashier lane was down, as was one of the hellish self-scan checkouts. People were lined six deep at every one.
And of course there was a cherry on this sundae: by the time we got to the scanner, it was tired. Worn down. Or maybe it was just being bitchy. I got all our stuff scanned, save the last four items, then the scanner decided it just didn’t want to do the one thing it is designed for. So I had to endure the gyrations of the cashier ’supervisor’ as she tried lamely to figure out what to do. Turns out there’s a reset button right there on the thing, and if you tap your supervisor’s card on the scanner glass enough times *tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*
TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP*TAP in a random and frantic manner, you’ll accidentally knock up against it and the damned thing will work again. Just an FYI.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is: Fuck going to Giant Eagle on Sundays.
Can you grab me some green peppercorns while you’re there kthx.
Glad to. Unless you want them on a Sunday, in which case you’re shit outta luck.
“But this was Sunday around noon, when everyone decides that this is the only possible time all week that they could take advantage of the GREAT SAVINGS offered by the flyer in their Sunday paper.”
And what were YOU doing there around noon on Sunday? didja bring your coupons and flyer?;-)
I think Mr. Cranky McSnarkypants probably meant to go a different time, it didnt work out, so the faithful readers of this page are made to suffer. Look within, o master of the domain.
Whenever I’m in Cleveland, I go to Giant Eagle. For something. Usually beer or something to tip in chocolate fondue. The tilework in the produce section is very soothing.
Jim
I think he went there looking for material to write about.”Hmm, think I’ll go to Giant Eagle for some blogging inspiration, there are always idiots there to write about!”
lol @ all of you.
We stopped there on the way to the office to pick up some sammich fixins. I don’t think I’ve ever been at Giant Eagle at that time on a Sunday, and you can bet I won’t be back.
And yeah, the tile in Produce - what the hell is up with that? Did they forget about the shopping carts?
It would be funny when the people grab their beer and soda on the other side of the store, then forget they needed a lime for the Corona, and back they go over that tile, having no clue they will very soon be playing the beer roulette game. Spraay! Awww, not refreshing at all!
Jim
Man, I go to those self checkout lanes to see how fast I can do it, unless I have a cartful of produce. Jewel doesn’t put the code stickers on half the stuff in the produce area, and it takes too long to look the items up. Then I figured out if the boys are with me they will make it go twice as long because inevitably one of them will touch the thing the bags are on that is also apparently a scale and screw the whole works up, getting that damn “remove item from bagging area” sign. So there I am, in the self checkout area, yelling at the kids “DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING,I’M ALMOST DONE! DON’T TOUCH!!!!
Dylan’s new nickname at Lowes is “Unidentified item in bagging area”.
Wait….Jewel works in the produce section of your store, Jim? Dude, I would shop there all the time, complement her melons. Guess the music career isn’t working out - so sad.
Other Jim
ohmigod.. too damn funny…. NEVER go to ANY store on Sunday.. that’s amature day.
OH yeah, you should have asked me. I have already learned that Sat. and Sunday ANYTIME is a bad time to go. You’d think that some of the 1/2 million people out and about on a Tuesday at 1:00 (doesn’t anyone work anymore?) would be going to do their grocery shopping but they wait till the weekend.
I now know what cashiers NOT to go to and which ones have half a brain.
Dave if you don’t want your head to explode then never EVER under any circumstances go to Marc’s EVER!!!!!!!!! You may end up killing someone. They have scanners now, but do they use them? NOPE. I asked once “why are you not using the scanner?” her reply was something like “we only use them for certain items” or something like that. I almost punched her. No discount will ever make me go back.
You’re right, Marc’s is a giant pain in the ass. The only reason to go there is because of their low prices…on some stuff…but the food is all suspect. More than once I’ve seen products being sold in old packaging long after the redesigned stuff has shown up at other stores.
On top of that, they only take cash and Discover. Cheap bastards.