**spoilers in this post, and quite likely in the comments **

Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull yet? Wondering whether you should? Well, let me weigh in on that question: No. You shouldn’t see it. Unless it’s a rainy Saturday and you can catch the matinée. And you don’t mind seeing a cinematic icon ruined by laziness and bad writing.

We did see IJatKotCS (like that?) on Friday night. Julie, Tom, Jacque and I sat through 124 minutes of a goofy story out of George Lucas’ head. Yes, a dumb plot from George Lucas. The guy is nothing if not predictable.

We couldn’t quite put a finger on the problem. There were the requisite chase scenes, including one that involved giant man-eating ants; the cheerless enemies (the Soviets instead of the Nazis – this being 1957, Nazis were in short supply); magical artifacts deep in a tropical jungle; and Karen Allen, looking her age but holding her own with Harrison Ford. It was nice to see her back in that role, as she was the only decent female lead in the first three films. We even caught a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant during the early warehouse scene featured in the trailers.

But still, for all the nostalgia, there was something missing, and we hit upon it Saturday night. Julie proclaimed a need to watch one of the old movies just to clear our heads of the bad feeling from seeing Crystal Skull. By the time we were 20 minutes into Last Crusade, it dawned on me: the new movie has no wit. And by wit I mean humor. And by humor I mean anything that would have drawn a chuckle from the roughly 50 people in the theater with us. Instead, the place was quiet as a tomb for two hours, making it seem like we were watching a movie about actual archeology than an Indiana Jones flick.

The most disappointing thing about the movie was the ending. I know it’s often said that there are no original ideas and that Hollywood is the worst offender, but come on. A blatant ripoff of The X-Files movie and The Mummy Returns? From Lucas and Spielberg?

Overall, on a scale of 1 to 5 beers, I’d give it a 2.5.

Joe says:
Dave you ignorant fuck. I wore a big goofy smile on my face all the way through this picture, right up to the end. Okay so I agree, the ending is weak. The departure from the spiritual/mystical overtone was disappointing at most. I for one welcome our new alien overlords. May your skull elongate and your entire neighborhood be sucked up into a giant spinning CGI vortex where anyone standing right on the edge will not be affected in any way whatsoever: not even a breeze.

Honestly, I don’t recall the endings of The X-Files or The Mummy Returns but as I agree with you about the ending, for the most part, I won’t argue about a ripoff. I’ve actually seen Crystal Skull twice and it played well for me on both viewings. Yes, Ford is older. They could have replaced him ala James Bond but they chose to stick with the classic. I thought he pulled it off. I really enjoyed Ford as an older, calcium buildup Jones. Karen Allen looked poofy to me but I loved seeing Marion return too.

4 out of 5 Blue Moons.

Dave replies:

You always have a big goofy smile on your face. I think it has something to do with being Canadian.

Joe and I had a conversation in iChat that brought to mind a couple more ripoffs. The first is from The Mummy. The aforementioned swarming killer ants, though they were red instead of black, looked pretty much exactly like the Scarab beetles that swarmed an unlucky Egyptian or two in the fictional city of Hamunaptra.

The second is from one of Lucas’ own movies: Return of the Jedi. The Duck chase through the jungle? Yep, pretty much a clone of the speeder bike chase on Endor.

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