Forget all your troubles, albeit temporarily, and take a moment to celebrate! His royal bad self, Chuck Norris, turned 69 today. I’m sure he pummeled his cake into submission. Chuck has become quite the internet/Conan O’Brian sensation, as clever folks strive to come up with ways to describe just how tough Chuck is. This has inevitably drifted over to his obvious heir, Jack Bauer. I offer some of my favorites for each:
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
This is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. It’s too bad he’s never cried.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking jeep.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
The best part of waking up is not Folger’s in you cup, it’s knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
And Jack:
Terrorists dread the day that Daylight Savings Time ends, because Jack Bauer has 25 hours to kill them.
Vin Diesel can be rearranged to say “I end lives.” Jack Bauer can be rearranged to say”Jack Bauer”, which means the same thing.
The only reason you’re conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike Bar.
When life hands Jack Bauer lemons, he kills terrorists. Jack Bauer fuckin’ hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
On Jack Bauer’s tax returns, he claims the whole world as his dependents.
Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.
Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Jack Bauer can talk about Fight Club.
You can’t talk to Jack because: he can’t talk now. He’ll explain later.
If everyone in a position of authority would just listen to Jack, the show would be called “12″.
Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer’s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheel chair.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It’s because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
The 2009 budget for the US military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols, and 4 billion rounds of ammo.
When Jack is at work, it’s always the graveyard shift.
Alex Trebek once ask Jack Bauer “What’s your idea of the perfect gameshow?” He replied “I’m the contestant and I ask the questions around here.” Jeopardy was born at that moment.
Jack Bauer doesn’t have a refresh button on his browser. All events take place in real time.
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
No terrorist attack has happened in the United States since Jack Bauer has been on television.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Frankly I was tired of the Chuck Norris-isms, even though they are teh classic internets. Those Jack Bauer-isms are the bomb, especially “On Jack Bauer’s tax returns, he claims the whole world as his dependents.”
I was tired of the Norris-isms awhile ago too, but I hadn’t seen some of those. (laughed out loud at “Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking jeep.”)
The Bauer-isms are great. Favorite: “If everyone in a position of authority would just listen to Jack, the show would be called “12?.”
I don’t know from Chuck Norris OR Jack Bauer (although I DO have a Total Gym)
I just had to log on to tell Other Jim that I was just at the grocery store and picking a wine. They had one that made you pop right into my mind’s eye.
It was called Monkey Bay although I read it quickly as Monkey Boy.
I immediately thought of you.
ba HA