That’s right. The latest Transformers flick inspired me to coin a new phrase: C.G.I.arrhea. Just what is C.G.I.arrhea? Well, it’s much like good ol’ diarrhea except that you get to pay $9 bucks to experience it (and if you’re lucky it comes with a pair of flippant juvenile fucks that enhance the experience with their text messaging cell phone use). It’s like Michael Bay had all these crazy fun robot bashing ideas gestating inside his head like a Mexican viral stomach infection and then, on June 24, he just couldn’t hold them in any longer and unloosed them on us in a kind of spewing mess of random images and incoherent story fragments that make you want to drown yourself in your $4 dollar 32 oz cup of syrup sweetened ice tea and perhaps follow that up by jamming popcorn behind your eyeballs in a vain attempt to block the images from reaching your optic nerve.
Judging by box office receipts there are throngs of detractors that would tear me limb from limb for my statements if only they could take their hands off their Megan Fox inspired hard-ons to do so.
We didn’t plan on seeing this film. We went to the theatre intent on seeing the far superior Star Trek before it finished its run only to learn that I had misread the show time online and that it in fact had finished the night previous. When I asked the ticket agent what else was showing right around then we ended up with Transformers: ROTF. I had my suspicions going in. I didn’t mind the first Transformers film but that one was more than long enough and it felt like they had done it all that time around, i.e. I’d had enough of the Transformers. Man was I way off. Not even ten minutes in and I’d had enough. Diana and I kept looking at one another with “are you kidding” and “should we get the fuck out” eyes. I’m not sure why I didn’t lead the charge and get the fuck out. I like the majority of Michael Bay directed films I guess. Hell I even like Pearl Harbor and I’m sure as many people that paid to see this dreck (Transformers) would disagree with me about Pearl Harbor.
I’d like to save you dear reader some two and a half hours of your life, if you haven’t already lost them, and encourage you to spend a few moments over at ratemypoo if you feel the urge to see some shit on screen.
Live long and prosper.
Joe,
You’ve outdone the great Roger Ebert, who had this to say about Transformers:
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.
Here’s the link to the entire review: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090623/REVIEWS/906239997/1023
Haha, yeah he’s a hack. At least I took the time to Photoshop in a package of Imodium on my post pic.
Ahhhhhhhhlovedit. But to each his own.
Thank God the boy wanted to see that and not G-Force. Watching him stare in amazement as Optimus Prime transformed in mid air after getting pushed out of a cargo plane……priceless. And at least Michael Bay takes the time to actually blow things up.
Ebert spends far too much time in all his reviews pointing out plot holes…..thanks, Roger, you’re very astute…..seamless storytelling is not my main concern at a movie.
Which is probably why he gave Star Trek 2.5 stars (I loved this movie):
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090506/REVIEWS/905069997/1023
Pearl Harbor? Your fucking kidding me. Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnetts’ overacting was so bad in that I couldn’t choke it down. I’ll take Transformers.
I agree with the Distinguished Gentleman from the great state of Pergola. However, the presence of Kate Beckinsale in Pearl Harbor, dare I say any movie, definitely gets a look. Planes? What planes? Look at that nurse uniform.
C.G.I. Joe’s next movie assignment……
(from Entertainment Weekly)…
“Pretty much exactly what you’d expect from the other Hasbro movie of the summer, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra makes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen look like high art. The F/X are relentless, the acting is god-awful (et tu, Dennis Quaid?), the one-liners are corny, and it goes on forever. Worst of all, the rah-rah teen-targeted flick fetishizes shiny military weaponry to such a degree that it feels like a really expensive (and really irresponsible) recruitment ad. Don’t go expecting an escapist night at the movies; go expecting to be cudgeled into numb, drooling submission.”
I just can’t do it. WORSE than Transfromers? I barely made it through that steamy pile of shit. We did enjoy Julie & Julia though. It’s nothing earth shattering but it was an enjoyable afternoon at a big people’s movie (lots of talking, no explosions).
You sat through a movie with Meryl Streep….and LIKED it?? WOW. EEW.
Transformers 1….awesome
Transformers 2…a bit much….but fun to watch MY Joey’s face throughout the movie.