Archive for December 28th, 2009
New Airport Security Rules
by Joe on Dec.28, 2009, under Minutiae
The recent attempted bombing of a flight over US soil by 23-year-old Nigerian, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, has prompted airport officials to introduce tighter security restrictions for all flights.
Apparently Abdulmutallab had visited Yemen before returning to Nigeria in December 2009. His father was reportedly worried that his son had come into contact with radical Islamists while in Yemen, and he reported his son’s movements to the U.S. authorities.
Obviously past attempted bombings and of course the horror of the 9/11 attacks have made airport security the bane of airline travellers for years. Here’s a quick rundown of those attackers.
“Shoe bomber” Richard Colvin Reid, also known as Abdul Raheem and as Tariq Raja, had converted to Islam and had made multiple trips to Pakistan, purportedly to a virulent, anti-Christian seminary run by Jamaat ul-Fuqra (a paramilitary organization of mostly African-American Muslims) in Raiwind.
The 9/11 Hijackers
United Airlines Flight 175. Hijackers: Marwan al-Shehhi (from the United Arab Emirates), Fayez Banihammad (from the United Arab Emirates), Mohand al-Shehri (Saudi Arabian), Hamza al-Ghamdi (Saudi Arabian), Ahmed al-Ghamdi (Saudi Arabian).
American Airlines Flight 11. Hijackers: Mohamed Atta al Sayed (Egyptian), Waleed al-Shehri (Saudi Arabian), Wail al-Shehri (Saudi Arabian), Abdulaziz al-Omari (Saudi Arabian), Satam al-Suqami (Saudi Arabian).
American Airlines Flight 77. Hijackers: Hani Hanjour (Saudi Arabian), Khalid al-Mihdhar (Saudi Arabian), Majed Moqed (Saudi Arabian), Nawaf al-Hazmi (Saudi Arabian), Salem al-Hazmi (Saudi Arabian).
United Airlines Flight 93. Hijackers: Ziad Jarrah (Lebanese), Ahmed al-Haznawi (Saudi Arabian), Ahmed al-Nami (Saudi Arabian), Saeed al-Ghamdi (Saudi Arabian).
If only there were some commonality among the attackers; something profilers could sink their teeth into to filter out potential or even likely attackers. But alas the backgrounds of all the attackers are so vastly different that we are left with no option but to apply a kind of blanket security to all the Joe Smiths and Emma Johanssons of the world.
The new security restrictions
Carry-on baggage is now limited to ONE item. That means no more single carry-on piece of luggage plus a laptop bag or purse. You will no longer be able to get out of your seat during the last hour of flight nor will you be able to access any of your baggage. You cannot hold your baggage on your lap, including purses.
It is recommended that you have your kidneys surgically removed before boarding so you will not need to visit the lavatory during the flight.
A nasty case of flatulence can distract other passengers and flight crew from noticing, oh say, an elderly jewish woman mixing potentially deadly chemicals at her seat so it is also recommended you have your intestines yanked out through your ass hole to avoid this potential security risk.
Finally, since we’ve obviously abandoned all reason for the sake of political correctness, it’s probably a good idea to grab a coat hangar, shove it up your nose, and scrape out as much of your cerebrum as possible. Place your scraped out cerebrum in clear jars no larger than 3.4 ounces each and deposit them in the grey plastic bins at security.
Enjoy your flight and thank you for flying the friendly skies.
