The recent attempted bombing of a flight over US soil by 23-year-old Nigerian, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, has prompted airport officials to introduce tighter security restrictions for all flights.
Apparently Abdulmutallab had visited Yemen before returning to Nigeria in December 2009. His father was reportedly worried that his son had come into contact with radical Islamists while in Yemen, and he reported his son’s movements to the U.S. authorities.
Obviously past attempted bombings and of course the horror of the 9/11 attacks have made airport security the bane of airline travellers for years. Here’s a quick rundown of those attackers.
“Shoe bomber” Richard Colvin Reid, also known as Abdul Raheem and as Tariq Raja, had converted to Islam and had made multiple trips to Pakistan, purportedly to a virulent, anti-Christian seminary run by Jamaat ul-Fuqra (a paramilitary organization of mostly African-American Muslims) in Raiwind.
The 9/11 Hijackers
United Airlines Flight 175. Hijackers: Marwan al-Shehhi (from the United Arab Emirates), Fayez Banihammad (from the United Arab Emirates), Mohand al-Shehri (Saudi Arabian), Hamza al-Ghamdi (Saudi Arabian), Ahmed al-Ghamdi (Saudi Arabian).
American Airlines Flight 11. Hijackers: Mohamed Atta al Sayed (Egyptian), Waleed al-Shehri (Saudi Arabian), Wail al-Shehri (Saudi Arabian), Abdulaziz al-Omari (Saudi Arabian), Satam al-Suqami (Saudi Arabian).
American Airlines Flight 77. Hijackers: Hani Hanjour (Saudi Arabian), Khalid al-Mihdhar (Saudi Arabian), Majed Moqed (Saudi Arabian), Nawaf al-Hazmi (Saudi Arabian), Salem al-Hazmi (Saudi Arabian).
United Airlines Flight 93. Hijackers: Ziad Jarrah (Lebanese), Ahmed al-Haznawi (Saudi Arabian), Ahmed al-Nami (Saudi Arabian), Saeed al-Ghamdi (Saudi Arabian).
If only there were some commonality among the attackers; something profilers could sink their teeth into to filter out potential or even likely attackers. But alas the backgrounds of all the attackers are so vastly different that we are left with no option but to apply a kind of blanket security to all the Joe Smiths and Emma Johanssons of the world.
The new security restrictions
Carry-on baggage is now limited to ONE item. That means no more single carry-on piece of luggage plus a laptop bag or purse. You will no longer be able to get out of your seat during the last hour of flight nor will you be able to access any of your baggage. You cannot hold your baggage on your lap, including purses.
It is recommended that you have your kidneys surgically removed before boarding so you will not need to visit the lavatory during the flight.
A nasty case of flatulence can distract other passengers and flight crew from noticing, oh say, an elderly jewish woman mixing potentially deadly chemicals at her seat so it is also recommended you have your intestines yanked out through your ass hole to avoid this potential security risk.
Finally, since we’ve obviously abandoned all reason for the sake of political correctness, it’s probably a good idea to grab a coat hangar, shove it up your nose, and scrape out as much of your cerebrum as possible. Place your scraped out cerebrum in clear jars no larger than 3.4 ounces each and deposit them in the grey plastic bins at security.
Enjoy your flight and thank you for flying the friendly skies.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
You forgot such nefarious characters as Mbalz Es-Hari, Haid D’Salaami, and Hous Bin Pharteen!!!
That’s just silly.
Hmmm. I know it’s popular to be all snarky about everything, but Jack and I flew home from Phoenix this morning (6am flight) and I was happy for the extra precautions they were taking. They pulled Jack aside and looked through all of his carry-on luggage – which was TWO bags – one large and one with his laptop. He was also toting an extra hard drive and two Wii driving wheels and remotes. A lot of electronics. If they hadn’t pulled him over, I would have worried.
Good job Phoenix Security!
Yeah but have you taken a good look at Jack? I mean c’mon, who’s he fooling with that name, “Jack”? He’s a “Mohamed” if I ever saw one.
Especially if he hadn’t shaved that morning. Talk about yer closet mooslims!
Jackie, this article http://gizmodo.com/5435675/president-obama-its-time-to-fire-the-tsa does a better job of summing up my opinion on the matter. I do have to disagree with you. Pulling Jack aside and rummaging through his carry-on may make you feel safer but it’s not actually making you safer. It’s wasting your time and making it inconvenient to travel and creating longer check-in times and flight delays. That’s all I have to say on the matter and I still love you and Jack. You a little bit more than Jack.
So once again, everything the TSA has done since 9/11 has been worthless, other that possibly prevent unimaginative terrorists from even coming to the airport in the first place. Their whole purpose up until the liquid event of 2006 was to keep all sharp objects off the plane. Why? Whose dumb enough to try that again? Over half the plane would have to be terrorists, and I’ll bet SOMEONE would even notice that. British intelligence using profiling caught the perpetrators; you don’t find 24 Muslim terrorists by surveilling all of Britain equally. Thanks to this latest ass clown, I expect to have my wallet count as a carry on and be forced to gate-check my pants when we fly to New York in 3 weeks.
Two Wii wheels, hard drives, remotes, lap top? Jack probably set off some type of new-fangled geek alarm. Tell him to leave the keffiyeh and the “Punish the Infidels” game for Wii at home (rated E for Extremist!)
Theoretical free market experiment……two new airlines are started.
In one, they will guarantee security — patdowns, strip searches, no one leaving their seat…whatever it takes. Flyers on this system will expect their flight to be somewhat uncomfortable — but they will (perhaps) be safer.
In the other, they will insure convenience, dignity, and some modicum of comfort. There will still be security, but it will be limited to a few non-invasive basics that we know work. Flyers on the second system will know that they are taking some small increased risk of dying in a terrorist attack.
In both systems, cabin doors will remain reinforced to prevent a 9/11-style attack, and checked baggage will still be carefully screened.
So which would people choose?
I, for one, would choose the supposedly more risky option, for two reasons: 1. I largely believe the increased security is just theater, and doesn’t make you actually safer, and 2. The risk of an attack is so low that the sacrifices in terms of human dignity and comfort aren’t worth it to me.
This idea will never happen — but it would be interesting to see what people would choose if it did….
Option 2 all day long and I agree, the increased security is theatre. I’m Canadian so I spell ‘theater’, ‘theatre’.
Canada, where the official language is French, and English. We here in the mid section switch the E-R to R-E when we want something to be all high-falutin’ and swanky. Makes it sound so exotic and foreign, like we’re in Canada or something. That’s why we shop at Kenwood Towne Centre, not Tri-County Mall. Savages.