Category Archives: Kvetching

Crap that really bugs us.

You Shot Rush

RUSH at the Charter One Pavilion, Northerly Island, Chicago • July 5, 2010

In a venue that seats maybe 7,000 people, you’d think it’d be difficult to have a lousy seat. Especially if you buy your tickets during the oh-so-special exclusive Citibank Customer Presale. Since I’m a Citibank customer and my brother is a rabid fan of RUSH, it fell on me to pick up the maximum number of tickets (eight) that I could buy.

So yeah, I got online as soon as the presale opened up. In less than 10 minutes, I’d picked up the best seats I could get at the Citibank Customer Unique Opportunity Presale Event. It worked out Very Well and the experience has made me a confirmed Citibank Customer For Life.

undauntedI have a convenient visual aid here. This is a decent shot of my brother Jim and his lovely wife Tina, both happy to have a beautiful night for an outdoor concert. The show has yet to start, so while they may be a bit disappointed in being so far from the stage, they are cheerfully looking forward to what they know will be good video coverage of the band, to be presented on those huge screens to either side of the stage. But not just your standard concert coverage, no: RUSH has made great use of these screens for graphic effects and topical videos during their performances for a very long time.

Nope. No video for us. With rare exception, the video screens at the wings stayed dark. Oh, wait, there was a time when they played continually: during the 20 minute intermission in the middle of the show. That’s when the venue was quite happy to make a few bucks firing ads up there. Because we hadn’t, you know, paid for the tickets or anything, so they had to make their nut somewhere.

Again, I have a convenient visual aid below. You can see how well we could see the band from our Exclusive Citibank Customers Only Presale seats.

rushAnd to help visualize how the screens would’ve looked if they’d been used, I’ve included some appropriate imagery to the right.

People who talk too damn much

Okay, I just have to say that I get accused of not paying attention to important details when people talk to me.

You’re right.  I admit it. I tune you out.

Why do I tune you out? Because you have no “edit” feature in your own heads. How many times have you had to listen to this kind of monologue?

“I went to mom and dad’s yesterday. No. Tuesday. No, it was Monday. No, Tuesday. Yeah I remember cause I had to pick up toothpaste at Marc’s. It was raining and I was listening to “Hey Jude” on the radio. I’ve always liked the Beatles. Anyhoo, I got my toothpaste. I got Crest, oh and I got some floss too…”

I’ve completey zoned out at this point and I’m just looking at the timer on my cordless phone waiting for this excruciating encounter to be over. At the 20 minute mark (and having had NO input into this conversation myself while you blather on about every useless detail of your day) you may actually tell me why you went to mom and dad’s and some important detail that I should be aware of. I however, am now laying on the floor in a pool of drool with my eyes glazed over.

So really – if you want me to pay attention and retain something – get to the frigging point!!!

Baby On Board?

We’ve all seen those ‘Baby On Board’ signs on cars. They probably shouldn’t anger me but sure as shit they do. Can anyone clarify for me exactly what it is I’m supposed to do once I witness one of these? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Am I supposed to drive differently around them? Are they suggesting I normally drive on the brink of rear ending the car in front of me and they don’t want misfortune to intervene and have it be them I pile in to in a fiery collision? I’ve seriously pondered this for some time and I can not pinpoint what it is I should be doing different in the presence of the little yellow square askew.

And then it struck me.

I’m not supposed to do anything. It’s not a caution at all. It’s a warning. Specifically a notice of amended rights:

The driver of this vehicle has the amended right to drive without due care and attention to the specific task of driving because she/he shall be preoccupied with fiddling with car seat straps, wiping puke up off the arm rest, administering the one-handed-Heimlich maneuver and/or doting on the wee perpetrator of these vexations.

And don’t even think of expressing your displeasure with the driver of this vehicle simply because they wandered half way into your lane or failed to notice the traffic light in front of them has been green for a full twenty seconds. Any dissemination of frustration on your behalf shall cause you to be shunned from society and quite likely struck down by Almighty God Himself.

And so I would like to pitch to you my new business idea. I have come up with a new line of little warning signs to be rigged with silicone suckers, licked and affixed to car windows as required. Let’s call our little company Square Askew because I think it’s cute and clever. I’m looking for your input. Here’s my list of suggestions:

Hot Shitty Dribble Cup Of Coffee In Hand

Text Messaging In Progress

Double Cheeseburger Under Consumption

Desperate Search For Napkin To Soak Up Burger Juice From Wrist Underway

Fight With White Trash Boyfriend Over Skipped Car Payment About To Get Physical

Toy Poodle Tongue In Ear

Toothless Crack Ho’ In Lap

Snow Blindness

If you’ve noticed it’s been awhile since I took a moment to bitch about my fellow man, wait no further! The day is upon us. Happy Easter.

This past week we had what I can only hope is the final snowfall of the year. While it wasn’t in the class of the big dump of a few weeks ago (mental images welcome), it was more than we needed or cared for; probably 5″ or so here, a little more to the south of us. It was the final opportunity for lazy-asses to drive around with their cars buried in snow, and everyone with that propensity was on the road. It’s to those people I have to say:

What the hell is so difficult about clearing your windows of snow? Are you really so damned goofy as to think that clearing a hole the size of your head right in front of the driver’s seat is all the vision you need to drive a car? Do you drive with blinders on the rest of the year? Do you ever check your mirrors to see the traffic around you?

Look, I can understand being caught in October by a freak early storm before you’ve had a chance to toss the snow brush in your car. I can even see it in November if we’ve had an unusually long Autumn. BUT IT’S FUCKING MARCH. YOU’VE HAD YOUR SNOW BRUSH IN YOUR CAR FOR FIVE MONTHS. I don’t care if you were an idiot this morning, leaving the house in flimsy shoes and a light jacket. WALK YOUR ASS AROUND YOUR CAR AND WIPE THE SNOW OFF WITH YOUR SLEEVE IF YOU HAVE TO.

I don’t need you merging into me because you’re such a loser. Go run yourself into a tree, but STOP ENDANGERING THE REST OF US.

Amen.