Okay, I just have to say that I get accused of not paying attention to important details when people talk to me.
You’re right.Â I admit it. I tune you out.
Why do I tune you out? Because you have no “edit” feature in your own heads. How many times have you had to listen to this kind of monologue?
“I went to mom and dad’s yesterday. No. Tuesday. No, it was Monday. No, Tuesday. Yeah I remember cause I had to pick up toothpaste at Marc’s. It was raining and I was listening to “Hey Jude” on the radio. I’ve always liked the Beatles. Anyhoo, I got my toothpaste. I got Crest, oh and I got some floss too…”
I’ve completey zoned out at this point and I’m just looking at the timer on my cordless phone waiting for this excruciating encounter to be over. At the 20 minute mark (and having had NO input into this conversation myself while you blather on about every useless detail of your day) you may actually tell me why you went to mom and dad’s and some important detail that I should be aware of. I however, am now laying on the floor in a pool of drool with my eyes glazed over.
So really – if you want me to pay attention and retain something – get to the frigging point!!!
We’ve all seen those ‘Baby On Board’ signs on cars. They probably shouldn’t anger me but sure as shit they do. Can anyone clarify for me exactly what it is I’m supposed to do once I witness one of these? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Am I supposed to drive differently around them? Are they suggesting I normally drive on the brink of rear ending the car in front of me and they don’t want misfortune to intervene and have it be them I pile in to in a fiery collision? I’ve seriously pondered this for some time and I can not pinpoint what it is I should be doing different in the presence of the little yellow square askew.
And then it struck me.
I’m not supposed to do anything. It’s not a caution at all. It’s a warning. Specifically a notice of amended rights:
The driver of this vehicle has the amended right to drive without due care and attention to the specific task of driving because she/he shall be preoccupied with fiddling with car seat straps, wiping puke up off the arm rest, administering the one-handed-Heimlich maneuver and/or doting on the wee perpetrator of these vexations.
And don’t even think of expressing your displeasure with the driver of this vehicle simply because they wandered half way into your lane or failed to notice the traffic light in front of them has been green for a full twenty seconds. Any dissemination of frustration on your behalf shall cause you to be shunned from society and quite likely struck down by Almighty God Himself.
And so I would like to pitch to you my new business idea. I have come up with a new line of little warning signs to be rigged with silicone suckers, licked and affixed to car windows as required. Let’s call our little company Square Askew because I think it’s cute and clever. I’m looking for your input. Here’s my list of suggestions:
Hot Shitty Dribble Cup Of Coffee In Hand
Text Messaging In Progress
Double Cheeseburger Under Consumption
Desperate Search For Napkin To Soak Up Burger Juice From Wrist Underway
Fight With White Trash Boyfriend Over Skipped Car Payment About To Get Physical
Toy Poodle Tongue In Ear
Toothless Crack Ho’ In Lap
If you’ve noticed it’s been awhile since I took a moment to bitch about my fellow man, wait no further! The day is upon us. Happy Easter.
This past week we had what I can only hope is the final snowfall of the year. While it wasn’t in the class of the big dump of a few weeks ago (mental images welcome), it was more than we needed or cared for; probably 5″ or so here, a little more to the south of us. It was the final opportunity for lazy-asses to drive around with their cars buried in snow, and everyone with that propensity was on the road. It’s to those people I have to say:
What the hell is so difficult about clearing your windows of snow? Are you really so damned goofy as to think that clearing a hole the size of your head right in front of the driver’s seat is all the vision you need to drive a car? Do you drive with blinders on the rest of the year? Do you ever check your mirrors to see the traffic around you?
Look, I can understand being caught in October by a freak early storm before you’ve had a chance to toss the snow brush in your car. I can even see it in November if we’ve had an unusually long Autumn. BUT IT’S FUCKING MARCH. YOU’VE HAD YOUR SNOW BRUSH IN YOUR CAR FOR FIVE MONTHS. I don’t care if you were an idiot this morning, leaving the house in flimsy shoes and a light jacket. WALK YOUR ASS AROUND YOUR CAR AND WIPE THE SNOW OFF WITH YOUR SLEEVE IF YOU HAVE TO.
I don’t need you merging into me because you’re such a loser. Go run yourself into a tree, but STOP ENDANGERING THE REST OF US.
I’m watching “Medium” right now on NBC. If Patricia Arquette doesn’t win a Golden Globe for Worst Actress in a Lousy Drama, something is really wrong with the world. The worst part about the show (besides the goofy reluctant-psychic-solves-crime schtick) is the whininess of Arquette’s character. Tonight, they figured out a way to make her whinier; they made her deaf (Oh my God, I’m deaf! I can’t hear you! I love my girls! I love my husband! I know what happened to your daughter, but I can’t hear! Waaaaaah!). Oh my God, please, make this episode end.