Transformers ROTF: C.G.I.arrhea

That’s right. The latest Transformers flick inspired me to coin a new phrase: C.G.I.arrhea. Just what is C.G.I.arrhea? Well, it’s much like good ol’ diarrhea except that you get to pay $9 bucks to experience it (and if you’re lucky it comes with a pair of flippant juvenile fucks that enhance the experience with their text messaging cell phone use). It’s like Michael Bay had all these crazy fun robot bashing ideas gestating inside his head like a Mexican viral stomach infection and then, on June 24, he just couldn’t hold them in any longer and unloosed them on us in a kind of spewing mess of random images and incoherent story fragments that make you want to drown yourself in your $4 dollar 32 oz cup of syrup sweetened ice tea and perhaps follow that up by jamming popcorn behind your eyeballs in a vain attempt to block the images from reaching your optic nerve.

Judging by box office receipts there are throngs of detractors that would tear me limb from limb for my statements if only they could take their hands off their Megan Fox inspired hard-ons to do so.

We didn’t plan on seeing this film. We went to the theatre intent on seeing the far superior Star Trek before it finished its run only to learn that I had misread the show time online and that it in fact had finished the night previous. When I asked the ticket agent what else was showing right around then we ended up with Transformers: ROTF. I had my suspicions going in. I didn’t mind the first Transformers film but that one was more than long enough and it felt like they had done it all that time around, i.e. I’d had enough of the Transformers. Man was I way off. Not even ten minutes in and I’d had enough. Diana and I kept looking at one another with “are you kidding” and “should we get the fuck out” eyes. I’m not sure why I didn’t lead the charge and get the fuck out. I like the majority of Michael Bay directed films I guess. Hell I even like Pearl Harbor and I’m sure as many people that paid to see this dreck (Transformers) would disagree with me about Pearl Harbor.

I’d like to save you dear reader some two and a half hours of your life, if you haven’t already lost them, and encourage you to spend a few moments over at ratemypoo if you feel the urge to see some shit on screen.

Live long and prosper.

Non-Partisan Betty (bam-ba-lam)

We have an Amish girl, Katie, who comes once in a while to help us keep up with the cleaning. She told us a little bit ago that she was asked to go back to her old job of teaching to cover for someone who would be out for the rest of the school year. But offered to send her sister in her place. Her name is Betty, so the mind starts turning and the song gets stuck in there and out comes…

Amish Betty

By: NTPWF & Maz
AKA: Jacque & Tom

Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Amish Betty had a mule (bam-ba-lam)
The damn thing’s real kewl (bam-ba-lam)
She said, “I’m worryin’ so now” (bam-ba-lam)
The damn thing won’t plow (bam-ba-lam)
I said oh, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)

Oh, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Her buggy’s awful perty (bam-ba-lam)
Jebidiah’s gettin’ flirty (bam-ba-lam)
She’s so rock steady (bam-ba-lam)
And she’s always ready (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)

Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
She’s got herself a man (bam-ba-lam)
Looks like Abraham (bam-ba-lam)
Said “I’ll do you buggy style” (bam-ba-lam)
“Really make you smile” (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)

Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
She’s from Middlefield (bam-ba-lam)
Lotsa Amish in the field (bam-ba-lam)
Well, she’s wearin’ that bonnet (bam-ba-lam)
Boy, she makes me wannit (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Amish Betty bam-ba-laaaaaaaaam

Feel free to add verses.


**spoilers in this post, and quite likely in the comments **

Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull yet? Wondering whether you should? Well, let me weigh in on that question: No. You shouldn’t see it. Unless it’s a rainy Saturday and you can catch the matinée. And you don’t mind seeing a cinematic icon ruined by laziness and bad writing.

We did see IJatKotCS (like that?) on Friday night. Julie, Tom, Jacque and I sat through 124 minutes of a goofy story out of George Lucas’ head. Yes, a dumb plot from George Lucas. The guy is nothing if not predictable.

We couldn’t quite put a finger on the problem. There were the requisite chase scenes, including one that involved giant man-eating ants; the cheerless enemies (the Soviets instead of the Nazis – this being 1957, Nazis were in short supply); magical artifacts deep in a tropical jungle; and Karen Allen, looking her age but holding her own with Harrison Ford. It was nice to see her back in that role, as she was the only decent female lead in the first three films. We even caught a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant during the early warehouse scene featured in the trailers.

But still, for all the nostalgia, there was something missing, and we hit upon it Saturday night. Julie proclaimed a need to watch one of the old movies just to clear our heads of the bad feeling from seeing Crystal Skull. By the time we were 20 minutes into Last Crusade, it dawned on me: the new movie has no wit. And by wit I mean humor. And by humor I mean anything that would have drawn a chuckle from the roughly 50 people in the theater with us. Instead, the place was quiet as a tomb for two hours, making it seem like we were watching a movie about actual archeology than an Indiana Jones flick.

The most disappointing thing about the movie was the ending. I know it’s often said that there are no original ideas and that Hollywood is the worst offender, but come on. A blatant ripoff of The X-Files movie and The Mummy Returns? From Lucas and Spielberg?

Overall, on a scale of 1 to 5 beers, I’d give it a 2.5.

Joe says:
Dave you ignorant fuck. I wore a big goofy smile on my face all the way through this picture, right up to the end. Okay so I agree, the ending is weak. The departure from the spiritual/mystical overtone was disappointing at most. I for one welcome our new alien overlords. May your skull elongate and your entire neighborhood be sucked up into a giant spinning CGI vortex where anyone standing right on the edge will not be affected in any way whatsoever: not even a breeze.

Honestly, I don’t recall the endings of The X-Files or The Mummy Returns but as I agree with you about the ending, for the most part, I won’t argue about a ripoff. I’ve actually seen Crystal Skull twice and it played well for me on both viewings. Yes, Ford is older. They could have replaced him ala James Bond but they chose to stick with the classic. I thought he pulled it off. I really enjoyed Ford as an older, calcium buildup Jones. Karen Allen looked poofy to me but I loved seeing Marion return too.

4 out of 5 Blue Moons.

Dave replies:

You always have a big goofy smile on your face. I think it has something to do with being Canadian.

Joe and I had a conversation in iChat that brought to mind a couple more ripoffs. The first is from The Mummy. The aforementioned swarming killer ants, though they were red instead of black, looked pretty much exactly like the Scarab beetles that swarmed an unlucky Egyptian or two in the fictional city of Hamunaptra.

The second is from one of Lucas’ own movies: Return of the Jedi. The Duck chase through the jungle? Yep, pretty much a clone of the speeder bike chase on Endor.